


This all started here.

by orphan_account



Category: My Own Head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 06:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22291453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: And this is where this is going to end.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	This all started here.

This entire situation is full of idiots, reading this and writing this.

This is selfish, this is going to contain my raw thoughts. I know it sounds bad, but I don’t care anymore. You all deserve to know everything going on. 

I know you’re probably thinking, this is very out of pocket for her. I’m aware. I don’t cower behind anonymous pieces of work. I stand tall, maintain eye contact, and I will not falter in my step. 

Let’s start with you.  
This is not just about you anymore. This has opened gaps that never needed to be opened. This has torn apart my relationship with the girl I love, this has kept her awake at night. And for that, fuck you. Do I want you gone? Yes. I would love for you to switch schools and for everyone to forget about you. But, that’s selfish. And to make a quote: “the world was wide enough”. I will not make the mistake of shooting you in between the ribs. I will not wish for your existence to be ripped from the strands of reality. I will wish for you to leave. We do not always get what we wish for. Paper flowers, poems, playlists, the morning plans of driving to school where you were still with her, everything. It remains in the headquarters of GSS. And the building is burning. And I’m not going in to save you.

Let’s move on. 

To my amazing non-blood sister, the one I consider my family. You love me more than my own sisters do.  
The one who has supported me through everything. Who has allowed me to have a space to breathe. And the girl who I had the smallest crush on in 8th grade, but not romantically I realize now. It was more envy. You were cool, you cared about people. You kept your head down and stayed alive. You survived. But now it’s time to live. I never meant to drag you into my bullshit. I never meant to get you involved. The girl I love, my sweet precious best friend. It is with great sorrow that I even have to write this, but you deserve this more than anyone. I’m so sorry. You built me back up better than anyone. You always had my back. We have filtered out so much bad in our lives. From toxic friends, to holding me while I sobbed. To eating mint chocolate chip ice cream on my bed, again holding me. To letting me dress you in my clothes, to taking stupid pictures. I’m crying in English now. You are sick, and thank god you are. I can’t bare to see how this has broken you, read the pain in your eyes. It’s going to break me because I couldn’t protect you from this. I have a million words and I can’t wait to see you Monday. 

To the girl who hated me.  
Hey. We aren’t that close yet, and Id love to be. I wish she didn’t feed you lies, or horrible truths. I wish you didn’t loathe my presence. I am excited to watch you grow and make memories. I’m so ready to show you how hard I will try and fight for us. 

To the girl who steals my chips, almost everyday.  
How are you? You’re overlooked, and not just on your height. You yell to be heard because you were silenced before. You have been my rock, you were never competing with her, you were creating your own spot. There is no number one best friend. You are the number one you and that’s all I can ask for. If you need me, I’m here. If you’re reading this, I’m here for all of you. But you specifically, I’m here for you because she wasn’t. 

And to conclude this, fair warning: this is going to be cheesy as fuck. Do you already know who it is? You should.  
I never shut up about her. It’s really a problem. For you, I am the most sorry for. I have caused havoc in your life more than ever, probably having 2019 be the most eventful year (just wait til 2020). You are the girl who I was never supposed to fall for, but I did. Fortunately, I was given the opportunity to fight for you and show you that I will pull a sword and fight anyone, of course if you let me fight them. There are things you don’t know about me, and things I hope you never know. But again, we don’t always get what we want. I was so ready to give you the world at once, but I can’t. I give it to you in pieces. I give what you can handle and I push to see how much I can give you before you break. To learn how to bend without the world caving in. I am ready for so many things, but I am so scared. I don’t want to say things to scare you, I don’t want to admit the amount of plans in my head, the things I blame on being a writer because of how much detail I go into. It has nothing to do with being a writer. I think about it a lot. You a lot. It’s been the hardest time trying to keep myself together. At first, it was for you, I had to stay together to make sure you didn’t fall apart. And then you taught me to do things for me, to want better for me. You taught me to love myself. And that is something that I don’t have words for. I can actually tell what I’m feeling and how to express it properly. I have learned that sometimes it’s okay to feel like shit and it’s okay to tell people you feel like shit. You made me into a much better person, and I love you for that. You took away the stupid bad and helped me realize my own problems. You motivate me and you are one of the only two people I would listen to. There is so much I want to say to you, and I will say it. But not here. I want to see your face, whether you smile or you cry, whether you laugh or you sigh. No, I didn’t mean to make that rhyme. Yes, I’m going to keep it anyway. You helped me grow as a person and exposed me to the things I love. You’ve torn my heart out to fix it. You will do what it takes to make me happy and I seriously cannot put into words how grateful I am that you’re in my life. Will I get a lecture in this later? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I love you. 

Congratulations, you've made it to the end game. It sucked hearing in my head that someone called me the CEO of this friend group, because while yes, I have control issues, I don’t want that title. I just want peace and solidarity. I want this over. I’ve wanted this over for a while. I will apologize for some of my actions, but not all.  
If you have questions, you’ll see me during lunch, or you have my number. I’ve gotten everything I need to say out, for the most part. If you read my other writings, go ahead. I’m not stopping you. There are old writings with new edits and new things, and old things. I want to be open with everyone here. But this fucking website, isn’t the way. So, it starts on ao3. And now, it can, hopefully (no promises), end on ao3. I love every single one of you so much. You’ve all made me a better person. You’ve grown up with me or helped me grow, and just thank you. I’m ready for new memories I’m ready for a new beginning. I’m ready and I really hope you are too. 

I love you.


End file.
